I am not even sure I can type this story coherently, but I need to talk about it. Last year, DH got a letter from the state saying he owed them a significant amount of taxes from the year we moved to VA. It took several phone calls, but we figured out that they were basing this on his entire return, though we only lived in state for 5 months of that year. They told him what to do to remedy the situation, and sent him the forms.

He had a problem filling out one of the forms because of one (admittedly really poorly worded) question, but other than that, he'd gotten everything filled out. This was many, many months ago. When I inquired about it over all these months, he said "it was all taken care of."

It wasn't. 

We just found out that they held this year's tax return, which we were counting on for some pretty large and specific reasons, and applied it to the "unpaid" amount. Why? Because he never sent in the *(&U!(*&# forms, even though I asked him about it several times.

I am so angry I am in tears. We desperately need that money (our taxes are a bit odd, since he's an adult student, and our tax return is sizeable because it includes credits for him paying tuition--there's no way to hold this money out of taxes because it comes directly out of his loans until he files taxes, if that makes sense--it's literally intended by the state as money to help us live while he's in school). And, I feel like he mislead me, didn't take it seriously, dismissed my concerns, was generally lazy, etc., and now it's put us in a pretty awful position.

His answer is that he'll take care of it today. Unfortunately, given how the state and federal system works, it could take weeks or months to get it straightened out now. I have no idea what we're going to do, and I can't even look at him right now.

I guess I am not really looking for advice, so much as just an ear. I don't talk about finances with family or friends, but this has me so upset I'm sick.

I am so sorry, really. Will you be able to hang on financially for a few months in hopes they do get it worked within that time?

 Brandy, thank you.

Honestly, I am not sure how we'll make it. This is the money we usually use to pay rent for a few months, pay our annual car insurance, keep our cars roadworty and get inspections taken care of (we have to have them inspected in this state, which always means putting at least a little money into them), etc. Because he's in school, we live pretty close to the bone as it is, and this isn't the kind of money we can make up cutting things in our budget. There's just not much to cut,  and certainly not enough to make up for this. Rent for March could be really interesting. He says there are "solutions," of course, because he always says that. And, fortunately or unfortunately, it's always worked out for him; so, he just kind of assumes it always will.

This year, we were also going to use it to cover a bit of money for the time we'd miss off work to go see our families, since my mom is doing really poorly Hiss family and mine will help cover gas, but neither of us get paid vacation. It's hard for us to lose any time off work at all, even though the trip isn't expensive (just really long, since it's 14 hours or so away). The only time we can go is during his spring break; so, if we miss the window, which is in a few weeks, we just don't get to go until probably next year's spring break. We'd hoped to have enough left over this year after bills, etc., to cover enough of what we lose in wages that we could make the trip.  I am pretty sure the trip will be off, and I can't tell you how it breaks my heart (I just can't face even telling mom right now, and I'm going to hold off until he talks to the tax office, which he will theoretically do today).

 I am angry for the obvious reason that we're now in financial straights, but I am honestly mostly angry because he didn't get off his lazy butt and just do it. That he placated me instead of taking care of it. That I try very hard not to nag because it annoys him, but when I dont, this is what happens. He doesn't get, at all, why I am so angry. He thinks I am over-reacting that he didn't do some paperwork, and that just because he's never really "been the kind" to worry about paperwork, it's somehow going to upset me less. I know he feels bad and some of this is just defensiveness, but it's not helping.

So sorry for you. Prayers that you will find a way to do all that needs to be done.  Dont be afraid to ask your MOm and Dad for help to go see them. As a daughter, I know that is very important to you.  Men are slow to grow up . Its not just your husband. Not a lot of comfort but it is true. Hugs, Babs

He purposely LIED to you. That is HUGE and needs to be addressed.

And messing around with taxes in not to be taken lightly!  As you now know, they have a lot of power and can/will seize your refund, garnish wages, seize assets from checking accounts, etc.  

Do you or your husband work?  Can one/both of you pick up more hours or an extra job to earn some much needed income since the tax refund won't be forthcoming?  

 

edited my original because I missed that he never mailed the forms!  

 

 Babs,

 Thank you for your kind words. Both sets of parents are doing all they can already to help us make it. We both come from fairly poor backgrounds, and my parents are getting fairly elderly and frail, which eats up a lot of their income. It will crush mom if I can't make it to see her, but I can't really ask for more help than both sides have already so generously offered.   

He's 31...I hope he's not too much slower! 

 Rolo,

Unfortunately, DH didn't mail them in, which is why I am so angry with him. If he'd mailed them in and they'd gotten lost, I'd be upset, but not at him. As it stands, he didn't bother calling the state to try to figure out the answer to that single question, so he never sent the forms in because they weren't completed. We don't owe the state the money and it's fairly clear cut. The state believed he hadn't paid taxes on his total income, but what actually happened is we lived in another state most of the year and so didn't owe taxes on that money to VA (he's already paid state taxes to the other state). The largest part of the bill was "Fees" owed for not paying taxes; but, since he didn't owe them taxes, he also didn't owe them fees. Unfortunately, the fees added up over the several years before they notified him of the paperwork snafu,so the bill itself is huge even though the taxes they thought he owed was minimal. He's  talked to the state accounting office and went over it with him, agreed it was just a glitch, sent him the forms (incidentally, it was ONE form, and then he had to send them a copy of his return for the other state...that's it, which is the other reason I am mad--it's not like it was a huge pile of complicate forms!). That would have taken care of everything, and we would have gotten our refund on time. Unfortunately, once they get the money, it's far harder to gett a refund and it isn't usually a fast process, especially since it all has to be done by mail and not online.

 Rolo, I agree on the lieing part, though he says he didn't mean it that way. that he meant he had the paperwork and knew what to do, just didn't send it in. I think he's evading, and I think he's really upset and scared. His childhood left him with some pretty serious issues about admitting wrongdoing, and about money as well, and we've mostly worked through those in the past many years. But, it is also part of who he is now, and he tends to get all freaked out for a while before he comes to me and has a real disussion about it. He knows I do NOT deal with lying in any form, and I suspect by tonight he'll sit down and address it with me. He's in "fixing" mode, and while I appreciate that he wants to fix it, he needs to also deal with the fact that he didn't do it in the first place.

We both work, but neither of us can pick up additional hours. Neither of my jobs work like that, unfortunately (and, as it is, I haven't had a day off in a long time), and he also has a class load that prevents him from working any more than he already is (which is, to be fair, quite a lot: he holds down 3 jobs--including one overnight on Fridays-- for a total of about 30 hours a week, plus has a full 21 hour credit load of biomed classes). In March I am doing a wine dinner for a local winery, so I'll get an advance on that at the beginning of the mnth, which will be helpful, and our renter will be here later this week. But, that money's already been figured into the budget, so it's not really "extra," per se. I have two nutrition consults I need to schedule that aren't in the budget, but that is largely dependent on clients getting their stuff together and scheduling, there's not a lot I can do about it. I am hoping I'll get hired to do a Valentine's dinner, though, which would help.

Falcon, I'm sorry. I really hope that it will work out quickly for your sake. I know how it hurts when your spouse does something that messes with finances and then appears to be non-chalant about it (what my DH did this past August). It is a defense mechanism...especially for men (IMHO). I had to realize that I needed to accept DH apology and then try and figure out the mess. And we had to really sit down and discuss my hurt and his actions (omission of information is the ugly cousin to lying IMHO). He did understand. He promised to ask for help. That was the hard part for him, asking his wife for help in an area that he felt he should take care of himself. But we all mess up and we all need to ask for help sometimes. Forgiveness can be hard but is so worth it.

If your DH can find a way to work a bit extra, if you have any ability to borrow a tiny bit of money, if you can hold off on doing something for the time being (maybe the cars for a month or two??), I hope you can find the funds for rent and a visit to your family.

It's ok to vent, this is a safe place.

I understand why you are so upset. I would be a mess myself.

I do sympathise on you feeling that you try not to nag him but when you don't, things don't get done. I feel caught in that same wheel myself but I am not facing the hardship you are over it. I hope at least he will learn from this.